The Great Expedition

Hello everyone! ^^ This is my first official Felaryan story, I hope you like it and please give any comments on what you all think! I don't expect my stories to be great, which is why I hope that some of you can help me be a better writer. I'm gonna try my luck with making a big series, also, I'm open for any collab stories with anyone who wants to feature their OCs/Ideas for a chapter or 2. So please enjoy! and be sure to PM me if you're interested in a collab story for a few chapters of this series. ^^

At the moment, I'm still deciding the starting location of my series XD, so yea... gonna have to think it through first, but I'll get my first chapter posted soon ^^;

(Yay! My first chapter! :3 Please comment and tell me what you think so far!)
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Chapter 0 (Prelude): The New World AKA Felarya

The sun was blazing high above the forests of Oloonde Lakeland. hidden within Lakeland's vegetation were filled with all sorts of majestic scenery, however its vast amounts of hazards and voracious predator hardly make these lands a paradise. Even one with many years of experience would have trouble making it in this strange world known as Felarya. As for the the inexperienced and reckless offworlders, they'd hardly last if they could not adapt to their surroundings. No one in their right mind would want to go to Felarya knowing of its ruthless environment exists... but then again, Professor Langsley wasn't exactly your typical adventuring offworlder.

It was during the middle of a sunny afternoon when it had happened. The cool summer breeze, which brought pleasure to some of the inhabitants of the Oloonde Lakeland, had suddenly stopped. Within the forests of Lakeland, a vibration was felt, not within the ground, but the air itself. The particles in the air shifted with abrupt force, the trees around it began to distort until finally.... it cracked. The air had stopped seizing but instead, it began to crack as if an unknown force was making its way into the world. The fragile piece of dimensional space finally gave away and shattered, leaving a gaping hole in which people, from another world, began to emerge from the void. There were 50 men, who appeared to be well armed soldiers, that came out of the gaping hole in the air. They wore thick, red, carbon fiber armor, which held the symbol of their proud nation, Central. These men fell in line as their commander came through the portal. The man's name was Professor Sidonis Langsley, who wore his usual white lab coat. As he stepped out of the portal, he took a big whiff of the scent of Felarya.

"Ah... this will either be the world that will bring about our prosperity.... or our destruction... how exciting!" declared Langsley with a hearty laughter. With that, the gaping void closed in on itself, and Langsley led his men out into this strange and dangerous new world, known as Felarya.

Beefnautsz wrote:

The sun was glistening deep within the Oloonde Lakeland, hidden within its vegetation was filled with all sorts of danger as well as scenery.

There was a good deal of rather perplexing description and possible misuse of words. "Glistening" implies a degree of moisture, so it is not a term applicable to the sun. Furthermore, you make it sound as if the sun is inside the Lakeland. Additionally, your opening sentence was a bit confusing when it came to what exactly the subject matter was because you mentioned the sun before the Lakeland, so when you brought up the dangers within the vegetation it sounded as if the vegetation belonged to the sun itself instead of the Lakeland. Furthermore, 'was' is singular and 'dangers' is plural, so they're incompatible. Lastly, the way you referred to the scenery made it genuinley sound as if it was hidden within the vegetation along with the dangers, which was awkward.

Moving along from your first sentence, the later statements you made were either equally perplexing or outright erroneous, or both. Individuals who are experienced in Felarya will likely still have a degree of difficulty living there due to the vast numbers of lethal threats and creatures and beings of great power. Even within places that are relatively safe and inhabited it can be hard for a person to make a comfortable living. Outside those issues there is the fact that many perfectly sane people come to Felarya even knowing how dangerous it is, if only because of the vast amounts a person would stand to gain should they be successful in treasure hunting or what have you, this fact being in conflict with the impression you seem to have.

All that being said, there's really not a great deal here and what is present seems rushed. I advise you to study a bit of the Felaryan wiki or browse around some more on the forum for the sake of attaining information that may help you, and I also think some work on wordings and grammar could be used. Overall, it didn't particularly stand out. Clear errors served to draw attention to themselves and away from the story as a whole, characterization was bordering non existent, descriptive segments were limited and riddled with aforementioned errors, and there was just not a lot to elicit sufficient interest to warrant future reading.

Thank you for the feedback ^^ I'll be sure to edit the first chapter according to your advice

I think it's a bit short so far to do a critique, so I'm looking forward to see how it will develop ^^

Chapter 1: The Plan

30 minutes ago...

Dark clouds were rolling in as the refuges of Central hid in their poorly built shacks. The military had just returned from scouting the barren wastelands for anything that could be of help to the citizens. Rations became even scarce this time of year and it did not seem that things were getting better for anyone. Strangely enough however, Professor Sidonis Langsley still retained his usual arrogant smile as he nonchalantly made his way to the laboratory, where the government officials and a group of 50 soldiers were waiting in cheap, plastic, beige chairs. The laboratory seemed to be where most of the government’s funding went into. After all, they needed the miracle of science in order to help them go such through difficult times. The walls were lined up with monitors and complex machines. The room itself had a gloomy atmosphere. It was surrounded by cold, stone blocks and had some dim lighting. In the center of the room, there was a rather large, circle shaped portal, hooked up to various machines manned by miserable underpaid scientists.

All eyes were upon him as Langsley walked up to the large portal. He cleared his throat and took out some note cards from his back pocket. After skimming several lines of his speech, he grinned at his small audience of impatient men and women. Out of amusement, he decided to clear his throat once more then he signaled for a drink of water. Some of the officials groaned as Langsley got his drink and took his sweet time finishing it. With one last satisfying gulp, he placed the glass down on the floor and looked to his audience once more with zeal. As he spoke, some of the older members were somewhat amused by the sound of his voice, which seemed very captivating, very fluid and clear, with a refreshing British accent.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I stand here before you today as we embark on a journey that has never been so bold and mysterious since the discovery of the West Indies." Langsley took a deep breath. The crowd seemed to be reeled in by his words. "This is certainly a historical event, we stand together on the brink of extinction... our hopes rely on this one machine, one journey into the unknown, one might say.... we're screwed!" he said with a hearty laughter

The audience seemed hardly amused, in fact some of the soldiers started to break in tears from depression.

Before Langsley could continue, he noticed 2 unfamiliar faces in the crowd; one was a young boy of about 16 years. Strangely enough, he was wearing a uniform of that of a high ranking officer. The other seemed to be a man in his thirties, and was wearing a grey business suit, perhaps he was a lawyer? In any case, they did not seem to be part of the government officials, nor were they on his list of soldiers to venture out into the unknown.

Filled with curiosity, Langsley walked over to the two young men while the officials became irritated by the professor's lack of focus.

"Excuse me! ... You there!" pointed out Langsley.

The two men simply looked at each other with a bit of confusion.

"Yes! You two! I don't recall inviting you to this meeting..." said Langsley with a stern expression.

The man in the suit simply smirked at the professor while the boy simply stammered a few incoherent words. An older official stood up. "Ah we forgot to mention that these two will be accompanying you on your expedition Professor Langsley..." he stated while smirking at Langsley's look of annoyance.

Langsley scoffed at the old man's words. "I have enough apes following me as it is... I don't need some kid playing military and a lawyer hindering my expedition."

The old man began to chuckle. "You don't have a choice in the matter Professor, these two aren't here to protect you as much, to be frank, and they are going to make sure that you don't do anything foolish as you venture out into this so called unknown."

The boy in the uniform quickly stood up and greeted the professor with energy and a bit of nervousness. "C-Commander Julius de Gama! Err... that is... my name... and uh I'm ready to serve!"

The man in the suit stood up and extended his hand out to Langsley. "Alister Smiley, magician"

Langsley smirked at the naive boy and shook Mr. Smiley's hand. "Magician you say?" he inquired as he examined Smiley's clothing. "You don't.... well it's just that I had imagined you to wear something more... mystical" he said with a bemused grin.

Smiley frowned at Langsley's comment. "Professor, that is a stereotype, and I would appreciate it if you kept such nonsense out of your mind"

The old man wagged his finger at Smiley. "Temper, Master Smiley, as powerful as your magic may be, Langsley still outranks you on this particular mission."

Smiley gave a grunt and took his seat, as Langsley smirked and signaled his men to activate the portal.

As the machine slowly gathered energy, the soldiers seemed tense and anxious as to what may lie on the other side. Could it truly be a paradise that they were looking for? Or will this professor bring them to their doom? But sure enough, they trusted the good professor, after all, he was one of the people who helped unify the nations and help preserve what was left of their world. They had no other options, this mission had to be a success, it just had to. Their world was in ruins and their people cannot hold out for another decade because of the food deprivation and pollution of water. Whatever world that they would find, they had to march on to complete their mission in order to preserve the lives of their people.

The machine finally shattered the dimensional barrier, which left a gaping dark hole for the soldiers to enter. With their hands ready at the trigger of their rifles, they all charged into the darkness and entered the world which they will soon learn to be known as Felarya.

.....

As the soldiers exited the gaping void, their jaws dropped in awe at the majestic sights around them. The enormous vegetation was unlike anything they had seen before. So lush, so green, so peaceful, it was as if they had reached the fabled Garden of Eden itself. None were as surprised as Julius though, he himself had never seen a tree before seeing as he was brought into a world of darkness, the new environment left him speechless and awestruck.

As the soldiers whispered amongst themselves admiring the beauty of Felayra’s forests, Smiley began to feel a bit different, and so did Julius. With great shock and fear, Julius ran up to the professor with one hand covering his left eye. “P-Professor! I… I can’t see! Everything is getting blurry!” he cried.

“Let me see…” The professor examined Julius’s eyes and noticed that the left eye has gone completely white. “Oh dear… my boy, it seems you’ve gone blind in one eye… I’m sorry but I’m afraid that we can’t do anything about it until after this mission has been completed” he said while shaking his head with a false sympathy. Julius started to hyperventilate as the other soldiers watched and gave a few laughs at the boy’s misfortune. “Some commander…” some muttered.

Smiley, on the other hand, did not experience the same fate as Julius. His eyesight was perfectly fine, in fact, there didn’t seem to be anything wrong with him. He felt energized and somewhat stronger than he was back on Central. “Could this be the effects of this world?” he wondered.

Langsley cleared his throat. “Attention everyone!” he said. The soldiers quickly turned their attention at the professor.

“Now then… as you all know… we do not have much time on this strange new world. As ordered from the High Chancellor, we have exactly 1 year from today to establish a manageable settlement and contact our home world. As of now, we cannot settle here, we need to find somewhere that will has less interference when I send a signal. Be cautious of what you might find here ladies and gentlemen. Remember that this is a new world we’re venturing into. We cannot take any unnecessary risks. If we find any locals, we do not attack nor do we try to intimidate them, as history has shown time and time again, ‘Conflict inhibits human progress.’ So remember! Stay close, be friendly, and keep your damn curiosity to a minimum…. May Central Prevail”

The soldiers whooped and hollered with pride, knowing that they will succeed in this mission under Langsley’s guidance.

Their shouts of celebration fell short however, as they heard loud, thunderous footsteps approaching them. “We have enemy contact!” yelled one of the soldiers. The rest of them got into defensive positions waiting for whatever savage beast may come for them. Julius, although half blind, was more than ready to defend with his rifle ready.

Smiley glared at Langsley. “Great going professor, you just had to make the soldiers give away our position”

The professor simply gave a nervous chuckle. “Ah you know… live and learn I suppose.”

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For those of you who want to know what Langsley sounds like, here's a link of what I think his voice should be :3

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FcrToyMDCkI&feature=related Hooray for John Hurt XD

Overall, not bad at all. Good structure, punctuation, and grammar. Nice flow.

A little more detail on the jungle might be in order, since this would be the soldiers' first time in it and therefore they'd likely be quite enamored with it. Details on the portal's structure might also help out. The best thing would be to think about what people would concentrate on the most if put in said situations.

Otherwise, this is a good start, with a lot of potential.

Ah thank you for the advise and I'm glad you think that my story has potential ^^

It's looking great so far! Really easy to read flowing prose and engaging characters. I hope the reason for Julius's blindness will be elaborated on. And what a brilliant choice for a voice to base Langsley's off. I love Stephen Merchant and his work in Portal 2 and the Barclay adverts, but he's not the only good sounding British voice out there. What you need now is a Stephen Fry and a Tony Robinson sound-a-like to match him. XP

It's starting really nicely !

You introduced the characters well and already set some interesting dynamic between them. Like MrNobody, I think you could have used a bit more description, but it works already very well. I'm curious to see what will happens next ^_^

(Ahh it's been too long since my last update, I apologise to those that were eager to see this story finish... if there any that is... anyways, here's chapter 2! Please read and comment)

(Disclaimer: Felarya belongs to Karbo)

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Chapter 2: First Encounters
The soldiers clutched at their laser rifles as the thunderous sounds of footsteps approached them. They took their positions with eyes filled with dread at whatever was about to confront them. The ground shook with intensity as the unknown creature came nearer. They clutched their rifles, each expecting some form of monstrosity to burst from the undergrowth.

Alister Smiley, who still kept his cold disposition, held stead fast with both hands ready to make the appropriate magic gestures. Langsley decided to stay back and watch the show at a safe distance with an bemused smirk.

As the massive creature revealed herself, the soldiers all seemed to be shocked and awed at what they were witnessing. A giant woman, who measured up to about 100 ft in height. Short pointed ears, a slender, attractive body, and large sparkiling eyes, a mystical appearance reminiscent of the fairytale stories they had once read when they were younger. Her long and flowing hair gleamed a bright and dazzling orange, such features made a number of these soldiers lust after the giant elf. Even Langsley was somewhat attracted to this mysterious creature, but it wasn't a physical attraction, it was the fact that such a species existed that peaked his interest. Smiley on the other hand was not convinced, he still kept his guard up for whatever this giant could pull.

The elf woman gave a mischievous smile at the group of men, thinking that she had just found a month's worth of treats. Not knowing that the soldiers were wielding dangerous laser technology, she approached the group with a hungry look in her eyes. Of course, to her, simply eating your food would be very boring, instead, she squatted to examine her prey out of curiousity. She had eaten humans that dressed similarly, but she had never seen an entire group in matching uniforms, they were clearly new to this place since any other prey would simply run or attempt a futile defense against her. Her eyes sparkled with the gleam of curiosity at this particular group of humans, wondering on what they would do next.

Langsley, having noticed her curious side, figured that he use that to his advantage. He stepped out into the open, approached the giant, and gave a friendly smile. "Pardon me Miss, do you by any chance understand a word I'm saying right now?" asked Langsley.

Smiley stood there outraged by how careless the old man was being. "Langsley! Are you out of your god damn mind?! Get back over here!" he shouted while still focusing his attention on the giant elf.

"Not now." replied Langsley curtly. He cautiously approached the giant elf with a bemused smirk. "Hello? I know you're not daft, but can you understand me?"

The giant elf was taken aback at the old man's attitude towards her. She had never seen anyone with such audacity, especially one of such old age. Langsley's attitude towards her had confirmed the fact that this group of strange men were definately not from Felarya. Perhaps they were offworlders? Nevertheless, they were all just food to her. Although she was a bit peckish, she was still interested in this group and decided to lure them into a false sense of security by engaging in small talk. She gave a dazzling smile at Langsley and his men, which disarmed a great number of them. Smiley was disgusted by the lack of discipline from these greenhorn soldiers and still kept his defenses up at this woman. The giant elf finally spoke with a soft and sweet tone. "Yes, I can understand you quite well" she said with a slight giggle. I might as well humor them by answering their questions she thought as she smiled at the man in the white coat.

Langsley, who was fully aware of the potential threat that the giant elf may be, decided to use this opportunity to gain some knowledge on the new world that they had entered. "Ah! So you do speak our language" said Langsley with a friendly smile. "Then perhaps you could enlighten us as to where we are right now"

"Why, you're in Felarya of course, more specifically, you're in the Oolonde Lakelands" she replied with a tone of confidence. She seemed to have lived in Felarya for many many years and obtained a considerable amount of knowledge about the world in question. "Now where did you all come from?" she asked in a playful tone.

Langsley gave a smile and gave a gentlemanly bow to the giantess. "We are but humble travelers who are merely lost on our way here from our home... perhaps you could enlighten us on a path to the nearest civilization? Oh majestic one~."

"Give me a break..." muttered Smiley. Just listening to this old fool made him nauseous.

The giant female elf giggled at the strange man's flattery. Unfortunately for them, it was just about lunch time for the elf who merely saw these tiny morsels as toys and treats. "I'm sorry~ but I'm afraid the only way to go next... is through my tummy~" said the happy elf. She licked her lips and reached out to one of the soldiers with an enormous hand. Before anyone could react she had snatched three soldiers.

Soldiers gave horrific expressions. Giant, cannibal, elves, had the world gone insane!? Ah, but they were no longer at their world, and as the giantess swallowed the last of the three soldiers, they raised their guns and took several steps back. Meanwhile, Julius started to hyperventilate at what he had just witnessed.

The professor, having witnessed the hostility, immediately took cover with a silly grin on his face. "Here we go!" he muttered with anticipation.

Smiley on the other hand, had no time to panic, for as soon as he saw what the abomination had done, he roared at his soldiers, "What in god's name are you idiots waiting for?! SHOOT THE DAMN THING!"
The soldiers complied. A storm of plasma energy fell upon the giantess. However, the fear of being killed by this giant clouded their judgement and so they just shot at any part of the giantess' body. They were scattered, confused, and inefficient, they never had to come across anything like this before.
The giantess elf was stunned at first at the constant barrage of their mysterious weaponry. Clearly, these morsels had a few tricks up their sleeves, but it would hardly do them any good if they let their fear overcome them. Irritated and hungry, she reached out again at the soldiers attempting to swallow more before leaving.

Smiley did not give her the chance to do so. Although the soldiers were shooting wildly at her, they had at least served as a distraction as he made his incantation. He pointed his right palm at her ankles and with a harsh utterance of a word, chains of energy formed around her ankles and constricted them. "You idiots! Go into overcharge and aim at her neck!" barked Smiley as he pointed his staff at the giantess. He began uttering another incantation to shoot lightning at her.

As the soldiers obeyed the order and switched their guns into overcharge, the giantess began to stumble forward and fell on her knees. "WHOA! Hey! That's not fair!" protested the hungry elf.
Smiley had had enough of this woman, as he uttered the final parts of his spell, a rather large charge of electricity surged from his staff and struck the giantess' neck. The impact sent her flying into the tree, stunned and unconscious. Smiley's eyes widened at the sight of his power, he knew he was a powerful magician, but never in his life did he cast a destructive spell of that magnitude. "Could this strange new world? This... Felarya, be the source of my new strength?" he thought. It was then that he figured out how things worked around here, how he was able to feel stronger, faster, more... alive in this world. He took several steps back and grinned slightly at his accomplishment. The power felt good, it was sensational, and he wanted to know where he could get more of it.

The soldiers looked at Smiley with awe, Clearly, he was a true authority figure that had the power to back up his words. The same could not be said for Commander Julius, who merely froze in the heat of battle. Ashamed and frustrated, he dragged his feet over to Langsley and stayed quiet for a while.
Langsley gave a hearty laughter at all of this. "What excitement!" he declared to his soldiers. "Giant cannibals, mythic creatures! A new world filled with the unknown. Now this is the true frontier! Come my pioneers! Come! For we must venture and discover the world beyond our wildest imagination! For better or worse I say!" As the eccentric professor declared all of this, he marched west of their location, not knowing what lied ahead. Smiley and Julius marched on behind him, both feeling nauseous about Langsley's dangerous behavior. The rest followed suit, fearing the unknown, but knowing that it was the only way for their kind to survive.

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(Special thanks to EvilGenius for editing this chapter ^^)

I'm sorry, I had missed this chapter ^^;
I think it's a nice one there was more descriptions and I liked how you characterized the elf. The fact that Smiley discover a new found power and enjoy it is an interesting idea that will likely create some problems later XP