The Felaryan Adventures of Sasha and Tim

The Felaryan Adventures of Sasha and Tim Part 1

Standing at 5'5 is the young elven girl of Sasha now sasha is not the prettiest of elves nor is she the most talented singer of her clan.Standing at 5'5 she is a plain girl with waist length red hair tied in a ponytail,she carries around with her a simple spear,now standing next to Sasha is her friend her best friend infact Tim.

Now you may be thinking Tim is an ordinary elven boy,but that is not the case Tim is not an elf he isn't even humanoid in any shape or form.No Tim is a Smilodon a saber tooth cat,the story of how they met starts when Sasha was around five years old it is an interesting story but it is Also a story for another Time.Now Sasha and Tim are very close very close not close enough to be confused with lovers but in this wide world you never know anything is possible.

Now onto the story....what you thought that was the begging of the story no get real.

Ahem anyway...

It was an ordinary day and the sun was just emerging over the tree tops,Sasha and Tim slept togethor as usual Sasha resting on Tim's soft fur that made a comfortable pillow,Tim wuld be asleep usually with his paws on Sasha or his head resting at her side.The sun shone and as it rose and as it did it shone into both Sasha and tim's eyes.

Tim groaned stretching and opening his mouth gave a short but surprising roar scaring some nearby Duiker's and waking sasha who got up and playfully punched Tim who in turn responded by knocking Sasha over and licking the giggling elf's face in a loving mannor much like a dog would do.

This was all normal it happened every morning and it was common for the two friends after usually half an hour of playfull punching and shoves the two friends would set out to look for breakfast.For Sasha breakfast was simple fruit but for Tim his breakfast sually waited till the right opportunity arose for him to make a Kill.

Sasha smiled stroking Tim's fur gently a loving smile upon her face "hey Tim ugh long night morning now and ya know what that means"she says softly Picking up her nearby spear she noticed Tim had knelt down beside her meaning she could climb onto his back and that's just what she did she climbed onto Tim's back his fur giving her a comfortable seat.

For Sasha riding Tim was like riding a horse it reminded her of the things she did when she was a little girl,sometimes if they were moving steady enough Sasha was able to lie happily on Tim's back looking up at the trees above thm as they moved togethor through the jungle undergrowth.

Today as they were travelling through the forest they stopped,Sasha found this strange but could understand why...well she couldn't realy for no reason absolutely no reason at all Sasha felt a wave of fear rush through her body.Sitting up revealed nothing much exept not more than 9 feet away from them was a strange looking plant they had never seen before.They were flower like but they were coloured black and white,just looking at them sent shivers down Sasha's spine.

instinct told her to leave but she was curious and wanted to examine them closer shakily Sasha climbed down from Tim's back and began to aproach the flowers there were five in total and with each step Sasha took she felt something in the back of her mind tell her to run.And then she did it reaching out with a trembling hand Sasha had had enough,she turned tears rolling down her cheeks and fled into the forest dropping her spear and Tim following quickly behind her.

Sasha held her hands to her face she had no idea where she was going and then she tripped landing face down in mud,lifting her head up she looked around trembling as tears rolled down her cheeks then curling into a ball she began to cry softly to herself.

"why do cry?"

It was a soft femine voice that made Sasha look up and around for whoever it belonged to,she used the back of her hands to wipe tears from her eyes. "who's there?"she calls out looking around but yet she could see no one.

"down here,by your hand!"

Sasha looked down curiously and then she was shocked having never seen anything like the creature she was looking at it was elven at least down to the waist there it took on a different form it took on that of a scorpian with stinger raised up behind her.Sasha could tell it was a her she looked quite pretty with d-cup breats and pretty red hair that stretched down to her scorpian half,Sasha just looked down at her in amazement.

The thing that was the name Sasha dubbed for her,the Thing placed her hands on her hips looking up at Sasha a slightly anoyed look upon her face.

"you act like you have never seen a scorpian girl before"

"I have Honest,just not one of your size"

"hey we come in all different shapes and sizes" This statement caused Sasha to frown and raise her eyebrow to look at the Thing.

"realy I find that hard to believe!"

"OI! you elves come in different sizes so why can't we?"

"well I never said you couldn't"

"Hmm well!"

"Your not naturaly that size are?"

"Well if you must know a fairy shrunk me and she shrunk a whole bunch of us we find it safer this way"The girl says looking down at the floor "well she didn't shrink me she sort o shrunk my anscestors and when they gave birth we were naturaly this size so yeah the whole city is now my size"She had said it before she even realised and clapped her hands over her mouth in shock"

Sasha curled her lips into a small mischievous smile "A city where show me!she says as she gets to her feet and looked down at the scorpian girl who now looked more nervous than ever.

"um well your standing on it...."

I think the story start nice ^^
good description and nice cliffhanger. However I think you should avoid descriptions like "D-cup breasts"... this really make the reader get "out" of the story ^^;

Pretty good start. The dialogue moves fairly quickly and lightly, which makes it easy to read. It could do with a good dose of editing, though.

Hopefully you finish this story.

Second part and she hasn't yet reached the City but she will.....or will she?
===

"WHAT!"

Sasha yells out in astonisment she cartwheeled backwards to the edge of the clearing scanning it but wasn't surprised when she saw nothing but grass.Sasha smirked this was what she had expected kind of but what she didn't expect was for the scorpian girl to be so fast or at least leap so high,because beore she had a chance to turn around and walk away she found the small scorpian girl upon her shoulder.

"ok ok!"Sasha says chuckling slightly and shaking her head,she picked up the scorpian girl allowing her movement now onto her hand which Sasha had outstretched, "ok that was a good joke"

The little scorpian girl now however sported a serious look and folded her arms in annoyance "I wasn't kidding"

"you weren't?"Sasha asks her smile now fading.

"No i wasn't i was being serious you were standing on it"

Sasha now bore a confused look as she looked over the clearing shaking her head in disbelief "look there is nothing but grass and a couple of flowers in that clearing"

"of course that's because the city is underground duh!"

"oh wow that's realy cool........I don't think i've introduced myself yet i'm sasha"

"Esmerelda"The scorpian girl says a proud smile on her face "would you like to see it?"

"I would yes.......ah but i'm bigger than you how could I go into the city without destroying it?"

"hmm good point"

===

I feel now would be a good point to explain about Sam,Sam is a male fairy he has short blond hair.Sam is a chef he wears a chef's hat and an apron saying 'Hail to the chef' decorated with a picture of human's,neko's and elves made into Various items of food,the apron comes down to Sam's knees so he doesn't have to worry about covering up his 'lower regions'.

Now at this point Sam was resting above the clearing on a branch outside his small Treehouse,which was situated in a small hole.At his current size Sam stood at 5'6 as it was his preffered height but he was not stood he was laying on the branch reading his favourite cook book.

He could hear voices or to be more specific Voice below he sat up putting the cookbook to the side for a moment as he looked down at the ground below.And even as he did his mouth began to water as standing below him was what looked like his favourite prey an elf girl a small grey object was visible on the girls hand.

A strand of saliva broke from his mouth falling to the floor it landed upon the elf girl's shoulder,quickly Sam pulled back staying still to avoid being spotted.

===

"I suppose i could find a nice,non hungry fairy,that would gladly shrink me down for a limited Time"

"nah that would be too risky you could get hurt or worse I could get hurt!"

Sasha and Esmerlda were locked in coversation when suddenly a drop of saliva landed upon Sasha's shoulder.

"what was that?"Sasha asks curiously using a hand to wipe the saliva from her shoulder,then looking up another drop of liquid landed onto of her and another and another it was at that point starting to Rain.

===

This was perfect the perfect opportunity now for Sam to strike or maybe just maybe,he could get the elf girl to come willingly to his home.After all it was raining and Sam could offer the elf shelter and a nice warm place to sleep or the night time was vastly aproaching.

Then there was another problem,While Sam was a skilled hunter and females were his favourite prey he was nervous and uneasy when it came to talking to one let alone luring the elf into a trap.Finnaly he plucked up his courage and Silently but not too silently slid down the side of the tree to land softly behind Sasha.

Sam coughed twice to anounce his presence this of course was a mistake as it caused Sasha to let out a surprised scream and drop Esmerelda but luckily Sam was able to catch her before she hit the ground.

"Hey there"

"Hello...........So mister fairy what are you doing sneeking up behind me?"

"oh well you looked cold and i was wondering.......well i was wondering wether you would like to stay at my place until the rain stops if you want?"Sam says a small innocent look upon his face though in the back of his mind he was wondering how he should eat her.

Sasha blinked a couple of times she seemed to be contemplating this over a smile apearing once again on her face.

"ok then sure"

Hehe... a fairy chef. A male predator is always interesting as they're not common. I suppose you need to work harder to make them work in Felarya, but I like the concept.

There are a lot of grammar errors, but none too large. Hopefully will see more.

GiantessFanXXX wrote:

Standing at 5'5 is the young elven girl of Sasha now sasha is not the prettiest of elves nor is she the most talented singer of her clan.Standing at 5'5 she is a plain girl with waist length red hair tied in a ponytail,she carries around with her a simple spear,now standing next to Sasha is her friend her best friend infact Tim.

The grammar here is... wonky. Repetitions (you give us her height twice), lack of capitalisation and spacing, sentences running on together... It's best to try and get it right in the opening sentence, or you may create an unfortunate impression.

Try something like:

"Standing at 5'5", Sasha is a young elven girl. Now, Sasha is not the prettiest of elves, nor is she the most talented singer of her clan. She is a plain girl with waist length red hair tied in a ponytail, and carries around with her a simple spear. Standing next to Sasha is her best friend, Tim."

I've removed the repetition of her height, and the second, clusmy use of "now".

I would also advise writing in the past tense rather than the present. It may be a matter of personal taste, but it just feels... better. And for some reason, I've noticed that fan stories written in the present tense are often very much inferior in quality.

I would avoid "young girl". Call her a "girl" or a "young woman", but "young girl" makes her sound like a child.

If Tim is lying down (as indicated a few lines later), he can't be standing beside her. Not even in a general, introductory paragraph. Especially if it's in the present tense.

So perhaps something like this:

"Sasha was not the prettiest of elves, nor was she the most talented singer of her clan. Standing at 5'5", she was a plain girl with waist length red hair tied in a ponytail. In her travels with her best friend, Tim, she carried a simple spear."

I'm still not happy with that, mainly because I can't think of a way to introduce her spear in the opening section without it sounding out of place. If I were you, I would introduce the spear indirectly at some point in the story. Just by having her pick it up, for example, rather than insisting on the fact that she's got one.

Quote :

Now you may be thinking Tim is an ordinary elven boy,but that is not the case

There's that "now" again, for the third time in three lines. Try to avoid that; it's clusmy. It makes it sound as though you're trying to get your bearings to start the story.

Also, there's not much reason at this stage for the reader to assume that Tim is an elf, or indeed "ordinary".

Quote :

No Tim is a Smilodon a saber tooth cat,the story of how they met starts when Sasha was around five years old it is an interesting story but it is Also a story for another Time.

Punctuation!

"No, Tim is a Smilodon, a saber tooth cat. The story of how they met starts when Sasha was around five years old. It is an interesting story but it is also a story for another time."

Or, better still:

"No, Tim was a Smilodon, a saber tooth cat. They had first met when Sasha was around five years old. Though theirs is an interesting story, it is one for another time."

Or leave that last part out altogether. Unless you’re trying to go for an “oral story-telling” effect throughout?

Quote :

Now Sasha and Tim are very close very close not close enough to be confused with lovers but in this wide world you never know anything is possible.

No, that just sounds… It’s just clumsy. Leave it out. You’ve already established that they’re best friends.

Quote :

Now onto the story....what you thought that was the begging of the story no get real.

So you’re going for an oral, external narrator. Who is this narrator? If he’s supposed to be insubstantial, it seems odd to hint at his personality by having him say “get real”. It also sounds a bit out of context for Felarya. To me, at least.

And you meant “beginning”, not “begging”. That’s why you need to proofread rather than just use a spellcheck. The spellcheck will tell you if you’re using a word that doesn’t exist, but it won’t tell you if you’re using the wrong word.

To be honest, I’d be tempted to forego the whole introductory section. Is there a point to it? If not, just start directly with the story. You can establish and describe your characters as you’re going along; you don’t need to do it before you start.

Quote :

It was an ordinary day and the sun was just emerging over the tree tops,Sasha and Tim slept togethor as usual Sasha resting on Tim's soft fur that made a comfortable pillow,Tim wuld be asleep usually with his paws on Sasha or his head resting at her side.The sun shone and as it rose and as it did it shone into both Sasha and tim's eyes.

Tim groaned stretching and opening his mouth gave a short but surprising roar scaring some nearby Duiker's and waking sasha who got up and playfully punched Tim who in turn responded by knocking Sasha over and licking the giggling elf's face in a loving mannor much like a dog would do. This was all normal it happened every morning and it was common for the two friends after usually half an hour of playfull punching and shoves the two friends would set out to look for breakfast.

Not bad. It establishes something about their personalities and relationship all at once.

Quote :

Picking up her nearby spear she noticed Tim had knelt down beside her

See, there’s your spear.

Quote :

For Sasha riding Tim was like riding a horse it reminded her of the things she did when she was a little girl,sometimes if they were moving steady enough Sasha was able to lie happily on Tim's back looking up at the trees above thm as they moved togethor through the jungle undergrowth.

Nice touch.

The scene with the flowers and the meeting with the scorpion girl aren’t bad either, and promising. You just need to work on form (structure, punctuation, style…), so that it’s not a distraction from the content.

Based on what you’ve written so far, you’ve come up with interesting situations, and I like your characters. Your story is clearly going to be quite creative, and I’ll look forward to the next part.

The inside of Sam's house had one simple room part of which was a kitchen and in a small corner there was a double bed.Sasha noticed this first as she was led inside by the seemingly kind fairy Sam.

Sam grinned he silently placed Esmerelda in a sound proof jar now he knew that if he did this right then he would be able to prepare Sasha but it would be fun if he hadn't.

Sasha turned around to face Sam a cheerfull smile on her face "wow your homes wonderfull how did you come by this"

"well miss you see i built it with my own two hands hmm so how are you feeling?"Sam asks tilting his head as he looked to Sasha who was beginning to shrink.

Sasha barely even noticed she was shrinking her eyelids drooped and she hung her head "well i am a little tired"

Sam nodded pulling out a small stick and laying it behind Sasha "here just lay down"he says taking a hold of the shrinking elf's arm and now laying her back onto the stick.Sam watched as Sasha stopped shrinking at six inches he smiled grasping some edible rope and looking down at the now sleeping Sasha.

Sam grinned first using a fiece of the rope to tie around Sasha's stomach tying it tightly to the stick and she did not wake,next Sam tied Sasha's ankles togethor around the stick.Still Sasha did not wake,Sam smiled biding Sasha's arms to her sides and using a piece of the edible rope tied her chest down to the stick.

When Sasha awoke she panicked she couldn't see anything nor could she move and there was a sound much like a pepper grinder nearby "W....what's going on?"she asks in a surprised terrified voice.

"Just relax dear i'm making dinner"Comes Sam's voice from nearby to her location Sasha sighed relaxing slightly.

"that's good what are you making?"

"Roast Elf" Sam says casually and Sasha would feel a cool breeze as she was lifted up by the stick she was tied to,though with her being blindfolded she could not see what was happening to her.

But Sam could he had set up a small fire in his fireplace he placed Sasha upon it using the mini skewer she was tied to pouring honey over her body and watching her carefully as she cooked and struggled to get free.

Then Sasha heard something that terrified her right down to the bone,there was a loud Scream and yell something splattering onto her body.Then Sasha was lifted up her bonds removed and layed on the round she removed the blindfold,to see a now human sized Esmerelda standing before her the lifeless body of Sam at her feet.

"your safe now" was all Esmerelda said to Sasha before picking her up and placing the tiny elf on her shoulder then she walked out into the sunset a cheerfull look on both the girls faces.

===
"Now look what we have here ladies and Gentlemen it is a thought to be long extinct smilodon"

There is a brief sound of a crowd clapping before they are silenced.

"now don't worry it's completly restrained and harmless"A males voice is clearly present then there is a loud roar as a saber tooth tiger was brought onto the stage.A cloaked woman within the crowd looked down and briefly locked eyes with Tim...

===
And that was what happened Sasha had been saved but now she had to save Tim and she had a few questions she wanted to ask Esmerelda.

******

Not as long as the other parts but there it is the third and final part of the first story.

Not bad! It seemed almost a shame to kill off an interesting character just after introducing him, but the scene was quite amusing.

Freedom and Revenge Part 1

They pulled and tugged the hit and ripped fur from his body the cut his fangs in half and whipped him till he bled.the creature could not understand why these men were doing it to him and why had his friend abandoned him in the middle of the forest.

As another whip hit his body Tim let out an almighty roar,which caused his captors to back off from the cage then laugh again as they cracked the whip against his face,now it was Tim who let out a pained whine and backed off as far as he could to the back of the cage.

Only one seemed to show kindness towards him,only one a female he couldn't see much but she was cavered with a blue cloak but Tim could see her face from her nose down and part of her long foot length Golden hair.

She was nice she fed Tim and massaged his fur,petted his head and even healed his wounds,Tim always gave her face a pleasent lick every time she came to visit him but the one thing Tim like about her was that she promised to free him.

===

Sasha learnt a lot of interesting things just by talking to her friend Esmerelda,she was a soldier and her stinger didn't kill it had a numbing Venom and when Sasha had asked if the fairy would be back.Esmerelda just laughed a sort of soft sweet molody of a luagh and told her not to worry.

"look i'll protect you and i'll even find your friend"Esmerelda says a proud expression on her face as she carried Sasha in the palm of her hand "and.....and i'll take you to a friend so she can look after you"

"a friend who would this friend be exactly"Sasha says laying on her back,hands behind her head,she looked up at the scorpian girl Esmerelda,relaxing in the softness of her hand.

"Oh her name's Ebony she's a Fairy"

"um i.....i've had enough fairys for a while"

"I know dear but you want your size back don't ya?"

"actually.....I am not too sure if i do"

"what but your human sized was so much better than the one you have now"

"well.....i like being this size it's conveniant and.......promise not to laugh"

"I won't laugh go on"

"Well Esmerelda i kind of now want to be your pet"Sasha says her face now sporting a bright red blush.

===

It was now night time when the girl returned to Tim's cage,what looked like a blood covered key firmly in her hands.

"Shh....there....there it's ok,I'm here now"The girl spoke a soft gentle tone she raised her hands and removed her hood and now for the first time tim could properly see her face.She had crystal clear blue eyes and a pair on Antenea sticking out from her hair.

Then she did it she unlocked the door and Tim leapt out happily onto the girl licking her face until she pushed him off her.

"go now"

Tim understood clearly and with his head Gestured for the girl to climb up onto his back but she shook her head,she had Refused Tim's offer.

"No go on go now before they come back we'll meet again i promise"She says and stays motionles watching tim with her eyes as he charged off into the forest.

===

"Aw your sweet but you can be my pet when your human sized ok?"Esmerelda says looking down to Sasha walking now over a few fallen logs aproaching a small cave "anyway i'll leave you in here with my friend"

As the two enter the cave they are hit by a sudden warmth and something wet lands upon Esmerelda's head some even splashing onto Sasha.

"ugh oh this isn't a cave"Esmerelda says panic in her voice as she turns to leave running to the exit as it closes her top half managing to get out she dropped Sasha on the floor.Sasha turned just in time to see a screaming saliva coated sasha being pulled into the air by what was now revealed as the mouth of a dryad.

Esmerelda's screams were cut off as a pink tongue was thrust into her face then with an Audible Gulp she was swallowed down Sasha watched in Horror as the bulge travveled down the Dryad's throat and into her stomach...